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Hello, Pity Party of One…

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 I lost it. It was one of those days. or should I say one of those weeks leading up to one of those days.

Over ten years ago, I had my thyroid removed… completely removed. Because of a combination of procrastination, chaos and yes five kids…I had gone 2 days without my medication. I stopped by the pharmacy to renew it and they said, “Oh it’s on auto-refill for tomorrow. why don’t you just come back then’  oh ok, whatever, never mind I was already 2 days late and this would make a third day, but what the hell. It just makes me tired, cranky and irritable.  When I was feeling the full-effects of withdrawal and went back to pick it up yesterday, they said they had no record of it and to come back later, citing a glitch in their computer system.

 

On to the next errand,a simple trip to fill up the gas tank. My card was declined. WHAT??  I made a detour in my errands and dragged the kids into the calm serenity of the bank…calm until my little terrorizing tribe showed up. With a few taps on the computer keyboard the teller informed me that there had been an accidental hold on my account, just a glitch! So, let’s back up a little bit.

Last week we had a second diagnosis for PTSD in our house. It didn’t surprise me, but it did make me reflective and sad. It also explains the defiant unmanageable behavior we have been dealing with for the last 8-9 months.  Then there is my job. I am a freelance marketing consultant and I am extremely grateful that my job allows me the flexibility to put my kids first, and still earn an income. But, this  last week was particularly busy, and I was on-boarding several new clients. Georges is a College Art Professor and his job does not offer the same flexibility. As a mater of fact, he works Monday-Thursday leaving at 7:30am and not returning to after 8:00 pm.  This creates a ‘single parent atmosphere’ 4 days/nights a week for me.

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 So that brings us to yesterday morning at Target. Which one of my friends mentioned, when trying to console me…”Oh I am sorry,Target should be your happy place” It should but all odds were stacked against me. By the time we began cruising down those Target isles we could add that the baby was 2 hours past her nap time, and I could not console her consistent screaming! I heard a loud crash, turned around and saw that Bug had reached  out  of the cart and brought down an entire shelf. That was the moment that I just began to cry. I found my limit for patience, tiredness and an overwhelming feeling of self-pity set in!

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Yep…underneath our superhero capes, mommas are real people too! We have our breaking points, and we all need a little support on these shitty days!

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Heartbreak of the Worst Kind….My Baby Girls

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I went to a an intake assessment to start PCIT therapy with Bug. Since many foster children ‘miss’ parts of their childhood, this kind of therapy helps them start over and pick up what they missed. In particular the parent-child relationship.

I know Bug’s history, or at least what has been discussed in meetings or what is written in reports. Afterall she was not removed and taken into care for nothing. What I didn’t know is the details, and the story that she had been carrying around with her.

I was there during the assessment. The therapist asked her many questions, from the mundane like, “What is your favorite food?” to the more probing questions like “Have you ever been scared?”

What came next was my sweet little 4 year old bug recounting what made her scared! It took everything in me to hold back tears as I listened.  When she was done, and I was able to slip out, I made my way to the bathroom where I sobbed…yes sobbed.

You are safe sweetie, no more boogie-men or monsters Mami and Papi are here…forever!

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What is “Good Hair ” Anyway?

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I subscribe to The Root, The Root is an online newspaper that describes themselves like this:

The Root is the premier news, opinion and culture site for African-American influencers.  Founded in 2008, under the leadership of Dr. Henry Louis Gates Jr., The Root provides smart, timely coverage of breaking news, thought-provoking commentary and gives voice to a changing, more diverse America. 

I like to stay in touch with the pulse of the African American community since three of my five kids are black, and I was raised and live in a predominantly white and hispanic community.  Today, I came across an article:  Are ‘A Whole Bunch of White People’ Adopting Black Kids? The article was written in response to A black Alabama lawmaker’s challenge to state residents regarding the adoption of black children into white families. I found it refreshing that they chose to  focus on Adoptee Stacey Patton, and her insight into the positive side of transracial adoption. They have even omitted the lawmakers name, as not to given him/her further attention.

It wasn’t the article that made me go “hmmmmm”, but the 500+ comments from the mostly African-American community that posted. This was a great peek inside the black community to witness and read how our family may be viewed.

For the most part it was one of acceptance. There were a few comments that noted that if you have not adopted, don’t bother commenting! Of course there were the ridiculous haters that mentioned such things as “…To raise an army of completely brain-washed Black People who will allow them to touch their hair, take their organs or be able to tell Racist jokes and say, “I’m not racist, I have a Black daughter’….What I’M wondering is WHY don’t white ‘people’ want their OWN white children? I mean, there are MILLIONS of white kids without parents, why not adopt them?!

Then there were the children who grew up in a white home, or hoped for a forever home and instead just “aged-out” of the system like Daryl: ,  “unless you are going to adopt them “Watch Ya Mouth & Mind Ya Bizness” growing up in an orphanage is NO JOKE, being turned out into the world ALL ALONE at 18 is NO JOKE – having NO FAMILY is NO JOKE”

The biggest ‘take-away’ I got from the comments was it was ok, just teach them their culture and learn to do their hair, “The only problem that I have with it, is a very small one, and doesn’t negate my overall opinion that it’s a good thing. I just wish that when people choose to adopt black children, they would learn how to maintain their hair. Too many times I’ve seen black children looking a complete MESS because the parents (of another race) have just given up.”

Here are my thoughts on that final comment;  Hair.  Wow, in the community I grew up in, with the hair I have hair was never a ‘thing’. Growing up, the biggest question was “bangs or no bangs?.” and since it was the 1980′s…”how big are those bangs going to be?”. I have five nieces that I babysat often. They had straight blond hair. I could not even brush their hair into a basic pony-tail, nevermind any ‘fishtails’ or anything fancy like that. Poor girls looked a mess when they came to stay with Aunt Carrie.  I remember a picture of their special ‘Brownie Bridging Ceremony” and I couldn’t do anything with their hair, so I just left their hair a stringy mess for their special day. My sister would have styled it real cute, but that is the price they had to pay for me babysitting. Fast-forward 20 years and I am the Mami to two beautiful African-American girls with hair I have never even touched, let alone  styled or taken care of.

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The first thing I did, was reach out to some friends that have experience with  black-natural hair, then I went  to Target and browsed the aisle of African-American hair products, and just asked some black women that were also shopping the isle. The next thing I did was rent Chris Rock’s “Good Hair”.  I have come a long way since that first styling of Bug’s hair, and I have improved my skills (didn’t say I mastered this). I know I have a long way to go, but here’s my throw back at all those Naysayers: As Moms I think we are all doing our best, don’t assume that us white Moms aren’t even trying. I can speak for myself anyway and say that I am not only trying, that I actually stress about this more than I should. As a white mother, I didn’t grow up with this texture of hair, I didn’t have all these years of practice I didn’t have Moms, Aunts or Sisters teaching me the tricks and tips that have been lovingly handed down from generation to generation. I also know that even the black moms that have stopped perming their hair or their children’s hair struggle with it at times.

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What I do know is that I love my girls more than life itself, that I would do anything for them. That I tell them how beautiful their hair is, and how beautiful they are. I have never mentioned whether they have “good hair” or not, because I don’t know the difference, and maybe that is just as well. So next time you see a white mami and her baby girl, (whether biological or adopted) tell them they are doing a good job, and know that they are probably already criticizing themselves enough for both of you!

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Dammit! Regrets…I Have Had a Few!

009Yep, dammit! I am already having regrets about sending T to his new school and that sucks.  It sucks, because ultimately it wasn’t our decision, and I was trying to make it feel like it was.  It sucks because there is nothing we can do about it (not until the adoption is finalized).

Problem #1: They have made the point several times that T is the only child at the school that is not on medication, and I have made the point that I would prefer to keep it this way.

Problem #2: Nutrition, or lack there of. Although all the kids are on medication, the nutrition at the school is horrible! Meals do not include fruits or vegetables, and deserts are offered after every dinner (seconds for desserts is not unheard of). Also, snacks offered throughout the day include popsicles, brownies and doritos. The kids don’t need medication, they just need proper nutrition!  This is especially concerning since diabetes runs high in his biological family.

Problem #3: They are on a bribe, I mean reward system. The kids don’t want to do anything unless they think there is a token involved. Case in point: I asked T to unpack from the week, and he began to make bad behavior decisions, and then screamed “I don’t even get a token for this”.

Problem #4: What he is learning: he is learning to use his middle finger and a whole new colorful language.

The social worker is completely against him returning to his original school. I am completely for it. it’s a small school, and I feel like he is cocooned there. Yes, it may take a little extra effort on my part to advocate for him, and suggest regular teachers meetings, but I am his Mom, and I am ready for this challenge.

The problem, is that the state still doesn’t see me as his Mom, but just the Foster Mom. In a perfect scenario, the adoption will be final in July, and I can legally pull him from his school, right in time for the new school year at his old school.

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What Does Mom Want for Mother’s Day?….WINE!

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I was working in Marketing for Whole Foods Market during my first Mother’s Day. I was on a marketing conference call with about a dozen other marketing people when we began Mother’s Day planning. The question came up “What does Mom want for Mother’s Day?” We were also tasked with polling other moms and finding out what they really wanted.

My first thought was, Wine! I have a habit of my thoughts becoming words before I have a chance to catch them. There was a bit of laughter, and I defended my answer with…”Really, I don’t want chocolate, that will just make me feel bloated and frumpier than I already feel, I don’t want flowers, because those just die, and any potted plant would be one more thing for me to take care of and keep alive.

About a month before Mother’s day, I was informed that they would be using my image and quote for Mother’s Day.  Across the United States in every Whole Foods Market, The image of “Wine-O Mom” hung in the windows, wine department, and on counters.  There was even a life-size cut-out of this mommy-juice sipping lady.

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So to all the hard working Moms out there, I raise my glass ‘Salud’, May your ‘Mommy-glass’ runneth over!

 

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A Place for Kids to be Kids!

When I was growing. up, one of my favorite activities was making ‘tamales’ from palm leaves and sand. I guess you could call it the California version of mud pies. My childhood was spent out doors.  I spent hours in what is now being called ‘free play’. Our children’s play tends to be so organized and monitored, that we now have a term for letting them just play.

We recently spent the day at Three Bears Acres. It describes itself as “,,,an outdoor recreational farm”, I describe it as a place for kids to be kids and just free play!

Jumping Pillow

A 68′ x 33′  jumping pillow.

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Graffiti Wall

Kids let their creativity flow on the  graffiti wall!

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Mud Kitchen

Our gang got nice and messy while they made mud-pies014

Sling Shot

The kids took shots on the sling shot016

Archery

Lola getting her ‘Brave’ on

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Tree Houses

The kids enjoyed the 100ft bridge that connects to a tree house, slides and swings

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Toboggan Slides

This was the favorite of the day! The toboggan run is the length of a football field! No

snow needed for this fun ride!

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Rock n Roll

The kids tumbled and rolled in these, while wearing themselves out, pushing it back to the top

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If you go…

  1. Bring water bottles (there aren’t any drinking fountains)
  2. Wear clothes you don’t mind getting ruined (also recommend mud boots)
  3. If you plan to spend the afternoon, you can pack a lunch and picnic lakeside
  4. Check their website for seasonal activities
  5. Don’t forget your camera!
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Signed, Sealed and Delivered…I am Yours!

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When we adopted Lola and Diego there was a lot of hand holding through the process. We adopted through a private agency in the United States. Our agency gave us a sheet typed out in ‘comic sans’ that gave us a step-by step account of what to expect during the process. I remember sitting down with that sheet of paper and going through each step with our case worker and asking her how long for each step. Even with that, they said the PGN process could be between 2 weeks and 6 months (yes…we got the 6 month end of that deal).

This time we are adopting domestically, through the fostercare system. This has been a very different process, and I have never really known where we are in the process. After something BIG , happens I will ask…What next? about when do you anticipate this being final?

The difference is, we have our babies here with us. I get to hug them, hold them and kiss them goodnight. The adoption paperwork is really a matter of formality (don’t get me wrong, I will be excited), but it’s not like when we were waiting for Lola and Diego. Everyday that passed, was a day lost. It was excruciating knowing that they were somewhere else, and not knowing how they were being taken care of. I already loved them, they were already my children. I had several women that had gone through childbirth, try to commiserate with me over the fact that they were a week or two past their due date. Although, with all things relative, and I am sure that really sucks and is physically uncomfortable, i would think to myself “yea, but you had your baby, safe, warm and in the comfort of your womb”

That is why I am not stressing over the details of the ‘when’ the adoption will  be finalized, in my heart, it’s a done deal. What will finalization mean for our family? It will mean that we will no longer have 4 different last names, it will mean that we can make any decision regarding their education, health, diet or even hair (yes hair) that we want. We will be able to travel anywhere in the world we want to go, and we won’t need special papers and permission just to cross the state line. It will also mean that we will not have home visits (except for just a few post-adoption visits) anymore, even though we have been very fortunate to have the best GAL (Guardian ad Litem) we could ask for, and our case worker has been one of the great ones.

So for those that are curious about when all this will happen, here is where we are at:

Georges and I need to have a stack of files signed in front of a notary, and then we file with the County Clerk Office.  The county clerk has 30 days to return it to our case worker, then she has 60 days to to process and submit to the state. they don’t have a deadline, but turn around on that is about 30 days. We just watch the mailbox for the next 3-4 months for the decree to come in the mail. No Judges, No courts…just the mailman bringing us the paperwork one day.